long time, no blog. so i'm in cabo san lucas right now, waiting to see if my cousin is actually going to get married or if this is just a big hoax just to get the family together since it does take an event to get it to happen. well i certainly love mexico, i mean what US citizen doesn't like a place where they can pretend like they are wealthy, have great weather and just put an "o" at the end of every word and think they are speaking a new language.

actually, i really do like mexico, but mostly for it's charm and the people that live there. i am learning very quickly that Cabo is really not Mexico, it's just a slice of California that has been transplanted with a Mexican address. there are certainly pretty people here, probably it's biggest draw, that and the ocean, it's beautiful, perhaps one of the most beautiful ocean-beach combos i have been lucky enough to see. outside of that it is fine, but not earth-shattering.

i am certainly glad to be here, i'll take it any day, but if it wasn't for the fact that i like my family and am happy for my cousin to get married, i wouldn't have been so eager to plan the trip.

i'm certainly no music expert, but i really like the stuff, it's a pretty big part of my life. i like lots of things in music, it's emotive, it's movement, it's creative, it's encompassing and it's beautiful. it tells a story words can't and pushes you to a place you couldn't get to in silence, it hits those internal chords of all of us that make us know that there's something we can't explain, but we surely can feel it.

amongst many instruments that i like, strings make the world go round for me. whether they are struck by piano hammers, scraped by a Jim Dunlop pick or pulled by horse hair, for some reason, i love where it takes me. i'm learning that a hit of a cello in the background of a song can make my eyebrows go up like i'm staring into the sun and it leaves my stomach feeling heavy. i don't know what it is, i like it, but it makes me feel weird that something so intangible can have such a grasp and condition to my life.

a good friend of mine recently asked me where music stands in my current life and it gave me a chance to think about it. i want to play and create, there is a time to simply play what you know, but i want to play not like a student, but like a kid in a sandbox. i think that God has given all of us talent and beauty and creativity, some people express that through compassion, through giving and sharing, there are so many ways to explore the life God gave us...mine currently feels pushed through art. i want to tell a story to myself through music, through expression -- and the beautiful part is that it's not going to be for anyone.

we'll see how that goes.

i will admit that i am a critical person especially when it comes to the church, i don't mean to be negative, but it's how i process stuff that i don't quite understand fully...all in an effort to understand it on my own terms. i don't like believing something that someone tells me to believe just because they say so, this brings me to my dilemma with the church.

i went to church this sunday like most faithful and non-faithful followers. every year i go to my parent's church and since this year i am without a place to call mine it was the only service i went to. it's pretty known to my parents that their church is not my "style" but at the end of the day these people LOVE God and are really trying to be good students of him. like most times i found myself not feeling comfortable with the praise + worship, it's not that it was because the songs were a little hokey, but it was because it was not a place that i felt welcomed to be, but i did feel expected to be comfortable. now, the folks around me shook my hand and were genuine, but the whole time i just felt like a visitor...like i was someone's crusade. the songs' lyrics meant little to me and they only meant little because i am used to church language, otherwise they'd be nothing. i realized just how far removed the experience seemed from my everyday culture.

patiently i waited until the sermon, here's the weird thing...i really like music..shocker, i know, but i couldn't get to the point where i could sit down and not be judged for it faster. this is an assemblies of God church and it is so awesome to see folks getting wrapped up in the worship and dance around and clap, but i just felt like i was supposed to do that rather than feeling like i wanted to, i just wanted to sit down and read the words so i could think about what i was about to sing. also, as a side note, i don't like clapping when there is a soloist. i must say i was only eager for the preaching so i could sit, but it's Easter and i'm trying to love the place my parents find so many great things. as i listened to the sermon i realized that i listen to sermons more when i disagree with them and consequently i write notes down to study them more. true, there was a great point made in the sermon, but so many other small things that weren't intentional mishaps by the pastor (i truly believe him to be a wonderful man) that i was obvious to me that he was simply unaware of how his language could have been offensive or ostracizing to someone who wasn't a church-person. i mean, if i was just a somebody, why would i listen to this man? he makes judgment against my life, tells me how holy he is and seems to categorize me without even asking my name. there is a certain amount of trust that needs to exist in a church, to know that i am safe with this community, that i can trust that if someone tells me something that they are a) willing to continue the conversation further and hear my side and b) they have my best intentions in mind. if i don't know you, how can i know that you care about me? maybe that's my issue, but i think it's an real issue that all christians could benefit from thinking about. we so often expect people to come into the conversation we're having, and exclude the thoughts they have because after all they are "lost." [sarcastic]

i have sat through countless church services where the Church tells me that my world is evil, that anything of "the flesh" is bad, that being "of the world" is wrong and that my only safety is church. i believe that God made everyone of us, that he made the earth we live on and everything around us. i believe he created us in his image, perhaps not physically, but in spirit, he gave us creativity, love, joy, emotion...he gave us the ability to express ourselves and that's why we have things like music, art and culture, they are all gifts from God...so how can we deny that? what makes us up is our world, i am tired of the church telling me that my life is evil, that i need to be delivered from this place in order to be truly happy. that i must wait for a better time. well, my life is not waiting, my life is my worship, it is my confession, my devotion, i am not going to wait for my time to die in order to start living. i believe that my life and all the things that are in it can be offered up a glorious sound to my God, so why do we have to pretend like the world doesn't exist?

i do believe that almost every pastor has good intentions, i really do, but i think they get caught up in their own sense of spiritual (and/or physical) utopia and forget to realize the world around them. they start forgetting that the people they are trying to save are so vastly different than them...so how can you relate? i do believe that this comes through the spirit, but what could it hurt to embrace the culture that people love and show them how to use that culture to worship?

we (the church) often talk of righteousness like we're expected to find it somewhere by simply coming to church...and although i think the Holy Spirit will work in that space, i think often times we are just waiting until people are desperate enough to accept a new doctrine. i'll bet that at almost everyone's last moments of desperation, they will pray, they will turn to something that will save them. i think this is why Ted Turner calls Christians weak. i would wonder what he would say if Christians (on the whole) could articulate their belief in Jesus Christ while inviting people into the conversation, bringing their intellect and doubt, their questions and ears...all while encouraging one another that it's okay for them to be themselves, and that whomever they are, they are loved, they can be sanctified by a God who is compassionate and loving. whom we would be happy to make happy.

certainly much of this entry is blanket statement and there are probably many thoughts that can be developed on, these are fairly infantile thoughts and as i continue to process them, i hope to use this place as my sounding board.

oday is an abnormally nice day outside and to celebrate i thought i would walk somewhere for lunch today, maybe Panda Express, but since i had a previous wondering about that establishment remembered my old friend steaky. sadly, this establishment of goodness is only a couple of blocks down from me. after nearly getting bulldozed by a type-a business woman on the prowl obviously about to land a career deal in which she so needed the cab at that very moment, i realized that i could extend my excursion by walking slowly.

i found out that there is a whole lot more going on than i realize. i ended up walking at the same pace as other people for longer periods of time and overheard parts of their conversations, nothing important except that there are a lot of high school kids out on spring break and OMG, Marcy is a total skank. i ordered my usual Great Steak combo, regular, with a Pepsi, paid got my pastel colored bag and was on my way.

i toyed with the idea of sitting outside to eat, so i explored Chicago's riverfront to see what the deal was. almost immediately i found out that i did not want to eat outside, i mean, it was nice out, but windy with lots of seagulls and plastic people. i thought i'd be safer to eat at my desk where i can guarantee i'll get pooped on from above and everyone is airbrushed.

like usual there was someone yelling outside, but only after the third time did i realize it was at me...i've gotten used to not even responding to "dudey" on the first try because i'd be convinced that someone was just talking about excrement. anyway, someone asked for change and almost instinctively i responded that i didn't....but at least i didn't. i think because i was walking slowly i found that i wasn't in a hurry and mentioned that we could share my lunch together. we sat in the sun. i could tell she was eager to get to the eating, but i wanted to know more about her, what's her story, you know? well, her name was Tammi or Tammy and she explained how she had been homeless for six years and her only family is from Indiana. i asked why she couldn't go back there and she mentioned how they didn't want her there and i thought that sucked. anyway we sat there for a while and talked, she'd obviously been through her story before and it seemed like a script, but it's hard to know why that was. anyway, i gave her my lunch and told her it's because i think that's what Jesus Christ would have done and told her she should apply at Starbuck's...mostly because they could use some different people working at the one we happened to be outside of.

it was a long time since i had realized how much the world can be different simply by changing my interaction with it. i mean more than likely i'll go back to walking fast tomorrow, but this one day, things were different. it was nice. but i still have a hankering for a steak sandwich.

you know, for a while i have been involved with this "emergent conversation" -- not in any sort of national way or anything, but still involved. i find myself now in a new conversation, one more about definition rather than deconstruction. i'm learning that language is very important to illustrating thoughts and i need to constantly remember that i am infantile when it comes to communication.

i've been trying to explain to various people, some friends, some just people about what it is that this Sojourn thing is. i've used words like "emergent", "postmodern", "deconstruction" and "missional". even after having long conversations i am still surprised when afterwards people seem to walk away thinking it's a college group that meets around some candles. i'm finding that people need categories to put things in, in order for them to make sense, they need to reference something, even if the understanding is that this thing that's being described is probably unlike something they have experienced before. christians are the hardest to explain to...they have pre-conceived ideas about what something is because they once when to a church that did something sort of what it sounded like you're talking about so they seem to make a smug assumption that "oh...you're one of those...." granted i should be held accountable to this same criticism...in fact, i hope someone does hold me accountable.

from my experience people want to know where you fit in, what's your title at work? what ethnicity are you? are you a Christian? what kind of Christian are you? what "movement" are you a part of? the sad part is that i think it waters down the meaning on the values behind the definition when you pigeon-hole someone or something. so you automatically group some people together and throw a label on them...i suppose stereotypes exist for a reason, but in a culture that is so focused on individualism it sure is amazing that we're so quick to category everything together and make judgments on them.

anyway, that's what i've been learning and thinking about, it's the ides of march, beware of Brutus.